A Walk Down Memory Lane
"Come on! I'll show you something!"
He took my hand in his and guided me through the fields.
"Watch for the tomatoes! Grandpa hates it when we step on them!"
But it was too late. I had already stepped on one.
I stopped dead in my tracks, my hands covering my mouth and looking sideways with my eyes.
"Oops!"
We both giggled. He took my hand again and we continued to run, not caring about the vegetables my grandfather liked to grow on his farm. We passed fields of tomatoes, lettuce, carrots and trees of all kinds until finally, we reached our destination.
If it weren’t for the heat, I would have said that he had taken me to heaven. We were standing in the Garden of Eden. I think it was the grape garden. My grandfather loved grapes. There were butterflies of all colors all over the place. Green, pink, orange, etc … But what caught my attention the most was a butterfly with turquoise colored wings. It landed right on my nose. I heard him giggle. I giggled back. The shaking of my body must have startled the poor creature because it fluttered its little wings and flew away. I stood afterwards marveling at the garden’s beauty.
"Wow … "
He grinned. I could see his dimples showing at the sides of his cheeks.
"It's amazing, isn't it?"
I nodded my head. I looked up at the entrance, an arch full of green and blooming flowers. I stepped inside still admiring every detail.
"How did you find it?"
"Grandpa was showing me how to plant the vegetables. I got bored after a while so while he was kneeling down to plant some carrots, I ran off as fast as I could until I stumbled upon this … literally. I tripped on those branches over there."
I turned my head to where he was pointing. There were little strawberry plants at the end of the garden. I couldn’t help but laugh.
"That's funny."
"Oh, it wasn’t! I fell and hit my head on the palm tree! I swear, after I hit my head I couldn’t even remember my name! "
I smiled at him.
"Yes you did! Don't exaggerate!"
"Ok … ok … You got me! It still hurt though …"
I took a few steps towards him and touched his forehead with my fingertips. His face changed. His grin disappeared and was replaced with a dazed look.
“I can almost see a bump.”
I was grinning at him. I thought he was going to wave my hand away, turn around and tell me to quit making fun him. Instead, we stood there, just the two of us, on a hot summer day sweating like there was no tomorrow, our feet dirty from all the sand, under the arch of blooming flowers and green that later became
our spot, smiling at each other and not wanting the moment to end. Neither one of us moved. Neither of us made any further gestures. Neither of us said a word. All we did was stare into each other's eyes, exploring the other's depths and wanting to be apart of them. Reaching into each other's soul and holding on to it. It wasn't until my grandfather found us that we took our eyes off of each other. As we both hung our heads in shame as Grandfather lectured us about so many things I don't quite recall, I couldn't help but sneak a few peeks at him from time to time. He was sneaking peeks at me as well.
Though neither one of us dared bring up that day again, we both secretly agreed that it was the best day of ours lives. And it was on that day we both knew that our love will be eternal, like the Garden of Eden.
Or so we thought …
Now, whenever I visit my grandfather’s farm, I always head to that garden. Unfortunately now, it has become a waste land. The once beautiful garden was dying and the farm’s wastes were dumped there. The arch of blooming flowers and green was full of dried up leaves and dead flowers. The strawberry plants were replaced with containers full of hay for the barn animals. The Garden of Eden was no where near eternal. It died and was never revived again. Still, I always look back at that day and smile. I smile as I remember the look on his face, the love in his eyes and the touch of his skin.
It’s quite sad no one remembers this memory but me …
Diary Page 02
It was 3 in the morning when I saw
him. Oh my God, he was so beautiful! Can you say that about a guy? Can you describe a guy using words like
beautiful? I don't care because at the moment when I saw
him, the one word that came to my mind was just that. Beautiful. Beautiful …
It's been a week now. I'm sitting in my room in front of the dresser. I'm doing my hair. It's so long. I let it grow like this.
He told me once he likes long hair. I had short hair back then you know. He used to tell me, "I don't like girls with short hair. Not that girls with short hair aren't attractive. I know lots of hot short-haired girls. It's just that I prefer to run my fingers in my girl's hair." So I never cut my hair afterwards and let it grow. Damn. I think I need to get a trim. I haven't gotten a trim in months!
What time is it? Oh ... it's 8 p.m. I have a lot of time. My head hurts. My hair looks great though. My bangs cover my eyes. Not that there's anything to see anyways. I was told I have beautiful eyes. Even
he said that. "You have extraordinary eyes!" But that was then. It's not then anymore.
My brother just came to tell me my mother says the guests will be arriving early. Shit. I was hoping for some time to lie down and rest. It's been so hectic. My academic future seems to be so dim. My mother is forcing me to study something I know I'll never pass through. I got accepted in the university but I don't want it! I fought with her all week but all she said was, "You're a girl. You are not going anywhere!" I hate her. I tried reasoning with her. She wouldn't listen. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her so much.
My makeup looks good. I bought a book a few days ago on how to apply makeup. I'm still practicing but I think it looks just right for the occasion. I want to look fresh. I don't want to look desperate. Unlike the day of the wedding. Back in the wedding the ladies told me I was beautiful. They all said I was beautiful. My best friend said I was glowing. I danced for the second time in front of a group of people. The first time was on graduation day. I also looked beautiful on that day. I was hoping
he would see me.
He was never there.
Now flashbacks of that night are running through my head. I was in his car. He was kissing me. He was touching me. He told me how beautiful I was. I didn't want look beautiful for him. I wanted to look beautiful for
him.
He was never there.
My brother came back again. He is such a sweetie. He brought me water. As my lips touch the glass my mind races back to a moment in the past when
his lips touched mine. Oh … if only he knew! The day he kissed me, was the day I died and went to heaven! And the day he left me, was the day I fell back down to earth. Like when Adam and Eve fell to earth. Even after repenting, they were not brought back to heaven. They had to stay on earth and start a new life. I had to start a new life. A life that didn't have
him. But unlike Adam, I was alone. Adam had Eve. I had no one.
I look in the mirror. Another girl is staring at me. Oh my God … is that me? Are those the same eyes he was staring at? I push my bangs away from my eyes and stare. He was staring at my eyes that night and I was staring into his. I only saw hate in those eyes. I saw lust. I saw want. I saw need. I remember crying as he tugged at my Abaya. And as he tugged at my dress. And as he left a trail of kisses from my neck all the way to my stomach.
The doorbell is ringing. I have so little time! I can't breathe! Like when he was holding me close to him. Like when he was forcing himself onto me. Like when I felt him stiffen on top of me. I wanted to scream. I wanted to run. I wanted to escape. I didn't want to be there.
I can hear laughter downstairs. My mother is greeting the guests with her sweet voice. The same voice that makes me want to throw up. Like when he pushed my head down in his car. Like when he forced me to do things I never thought I would do with him. Like when I drew my head back and he had a satisfied look on his face.
It's only 8:30. I think I only have 5 minutes. 5 minutes. That's what
he said when I called him. "Are you ok? What happened?" I love
his voice. It is so beautiful. He had thrown me out of the car in the middle of nowhere. I refused to let him take advantage of me. I fought and resisted until the last minute. He called me a slut. He called me a whore. I didn't care. I was glad he threw me out.
Ok, 4 minutes left. I can't believe I'm counting down. Just like after
he called. After I wore my dress and Abaya. I remember I looked in the mirror and my makeup was a complete and total mess. There were roads on my cheeks left by my tears. There were little holes. There were black and pink and green all over my eyes. I couldn't let
him see me like that!
3 minutes lefts … 3 minutes before
he arrived I managed to look acceptable. It was 43 degrees Celsius and I was shivering. I was fully dressed and I was shivering. I wanted to cry but I didn't want to ruin my makeup. I reminded myself I was going to face a hall full of woman, a monster married to my father also known as my mother and the most beautiful man I ever met.
2 minutes left … My brother just came and told me, "Mama says you have to come downstairs in 2 minutes or else she'll take away your mobile." She always threatens to take away my mobile. She's done it before. She can do it again. 2 minutes back then and a car passed by. I thought it was
him. It was an old man.
Just 1 more minute. I'm standing near the staircase. I want to go down but I can't. Just one minute! 1 minute and I could see his headlights. 1 minute and I could make out his features. 1 minute and
he would be standing right in front of me.
My brother is right in front of me and is motioning for me to go down. "Come on! They're waiting!" It's time. Like when
he arrived.
He stopped right in front of me.
He got out of the car and I stood up.
He stared at me and I stared back.
He stared at me and I remembered how
he used to look at me.
He made me feel whole.
He made me feel beautiful.
He made me feel happy to be me.
He made me feel alive.
He smiled and I smiled back.
He smiled and I remembered the first time
he smiled when
he saw me.
His smile touched my heart.
His smile touched my soul.
His smile lit me from the inside.
He made me glow.
He made me who I was and who I am.
My brother takes my hand and leads me down the stairs. Like when
he took my hand and led me to the car. "Come on, let's get you back to your wedding." How did he know? "Your dress. Your makeup. Your hair. Look at you! You're so beautiful!" And my heart melted. And I melted. And everything I ever was and will be melted.
His touch,
his words … I want it all again.
My bangs are falling on my eyes again. They're covering up most of my face. Like when I covered my face when I was with
him in the car. He talked about everything. He talked about school, his friends, his family and anything he can think of. He even talked to me about a cat he ran over a few days before. Then he stopped talking and I stopped breathing. He was grinning. I could tell. I could tell even though my face was covered. I could tell even though I was not looking at him. I could tell because of the way he was breathing. He was going to talk again. He was going to say something about me. He had a way of saying things. He could tell you that you were a hypocrite and still make it sound like a compliment. "You're a hypocrite." He said. "5 minutes ago you were fucking a guy you know nothing about and now you're covered from head to toe and looking like a goody-goody virgin girl." I was not crying. I was smiling. My face cover fell and he saw my smile. A traffic light stopped us so he was looking at me. He tried to smile but his eyes tell me he was confused. "I'm still a virgin." I never felt any lamer than that night.
"They're over there!" My brother tells me and he points to the guest room. He motions for me to kneel so he could tell me something. "You look so pretty!" I smile and give him a little kiss. He rubs his cheek then runs away. I was alone. Like when
he left me in front of the wedding hall. Like when I told my best friend I had to leave. Like when I arrived home 4:30 in the morning and all I did was cry. Like when I woke up in the afternoon and my mother had that sickly sweet smile she always wore.
The door to the guest room is opening. I can see my mother peering out preparing to call for my brother. She spots me and instead of smiling, she closes the door behind her and walks towards me. I was thinking she was going to congratulate me. Instead, she pulls me from the ear to the door all the way cursing at me and demanding I don't make a fool of myself.
She's opening the door and they all stop talking. I'm walking in and they're all staring at me. I hate being stared at. I always told him that he shouldn't stare at me when we were in public. I was afraid they would know I was his.
He never stared at me in public. Everyone knew I was
his.
He could never be mine.
"My how you've grown!" The oldest woman says. "Yes mother, she even looks beautiful without all that makeup!" The woman sitting next to her says. "Tell her brother, tell her how beautiful she looks!" I look down at my feet and act as if I were shy. I head to sit in front of him.
How I wished it was
him.
How I wished
he was in front of me.
He takes my hands in his and kisses my forehead. "You're beautiful."
I never believed him …
Arabic Poem
قد لا يبقى مني سوى أشعاري ...
سوى إحساسي ... سوى أفكاري ...
قد لا يبقى مني سوى دموع على وجنتي تسيل ...
قد لا يبقى مني سوى قلب ينبض لقلب أسود جاف ...
و قد لا يبقى مني سوى جسد قد خلا من روح تتلوى ألماً لفقدانك ...
و ستبقى بقايا ذكريات لحب ... لحياة ... لابتسامة ارتسمت لأجلك ...
و تموت شمعة الأمل ... ستنطفئ لانعدام مشعلها ...
و تفنى أسباب الثقة ... تنقلب مع الريح أدراجها ...
و أبقى وحيدة ... حزينة ... اعيش على الفتات ...
و ابتسامتي وسط الدموع عندما تمر الذكريات ...
و قلبي لا زال ينبض للهيام ...
و ها أنا لوحدي ... حياتي مع الأحلام ...I wrote that in school on the back of my adab book. I don't know why I wrote it. I was angry mostly. I thought I wasted my life on something that never was. Heh ... I still cry sometimes when I remember and smile. I'm glad everything worked out in the end and I got my friend back.
Diary Page 01
It's almost 9 o'clock. They're eating dinner downstairs. I'm not eating. They're having pizza. I worked so hard to fit into this dress I am not going to ruin it now.
I'm watching TV. There's a movie on. I don't want to watch it but there's nothing else on TV. I hate that movie. I don't know why though, I never really watched it.
He used to always tell me I should watch it. Even during finals. He would text me every time they showed it. I didn't care really. I just liked getting text messages from him. It gives me hope that he might still think of me as his princess.
My brother just came upstairs and sat with me. We're still watching the movie. It's 9:30 now. My mobile is ringing but I'm ignoring it. Now my brother is asking me why I didn't eat dinner with them. What am I supposed to tell him? I guess I'll just tell him I wasn't hungry even though he wasn't going to buy that.
We're watching the news now. I can hear my parents fighting downstairs. My father is yelling at her. He's telling her to stop butting in his investments. The stock market was a disaster today. I think we lost more money. My mother is trying to reason with him but he keeps on saying bad words. I don't think my brother is old enough to hear those words.
I sent my brother to his room. He's playing Need for Speed, his favorite game. I let him turn the volume up so he wouldn't hear what my parents are saying. I wish I went into the room with him.
There's a woman on TV. She's screaming and hitting her head. There's a building that was completely destroyed on TV. I think the woman lived in that building. I think her son was asleep when the building collapsed.
Now there's a man on TV. He's holding a little girl in his arms. I think it's his daughter. She's covered in blood and dust. Her eyes are closed and she isn't moving. He's screaming for help but no one is doing anything. I wonder why the camera man didn't help him …
I want to cry but then I would ruin my makeup. I'm going to a wedding in half an hour. It's my friend's wedding. Her father died when she was a kid and her mother doesn't know what to do with her anymore so she accepted the first man that proposed to her. He's 30. She's only 18 …
Oh, the woman that has the same name as me is on TV now. My mother hates her. I don't know why though. She is really pretty. I think that's why she hates me. She's talking about those people they showed just a few minutes ago. They're showing what the war is doing to people.
My phone is ringing again. It's probably him. I'm not going to answer. He's going to ask me if I want to go out with him after the wedding. My answer is no of course. I don't want what happened last time to happen again. I was able to stop it last time. I don't think I'll be able to stop it again. Not tonight at least.
My mother is yelling now. I think I can make out what they're saying. I think I waste too much money because they want to find me a husband. My dad says I should marry his nephew. My mother wants me to marry hers. I hate both of them.
I look really pretty.
He would fall for me with just one look. If only he could see me. I paid the lady at the salon extra money to make me look extra pretty. I was going to impress all the women in the wedding tonight. I'm going to make them not only consider me as a future daughter-in-law but actually go ahead and make me their sons' wife. Then my parents don't have to argue about who I'm going to marry anymore.
My phone is ringing again. God, doesn't he understand? I don't want to go out with him tonight! He used to always tell me he loved me. I think I kind of loved him, too. One day I told him about what my parents always argued about. He ignored me for a couple of weeks then suddenly, just a few days ago on our last date, he said he won't rest until he makes me his. At that time, I thought he meant he was going to propose to me. It wasn't until I felt his hand rubbing my thighs that I knew he meant scar me forever so that no one would want me. We had a talk before, that his hands should not roam anywhere below the waist line. He doesn't love me. That's why I need to break up with him. I don't want to make a mistake.
The lady who lost her son is now speaking on TV. She isn't yelling or crying. She is angry at the ones who killed her son but she is calm. She is saying, "They can kill our children, destroy our houses and scatter us around but they will never have our country!" I admire her. She is very strong.
They stopped fighting downstairs. Now my mother is going to come upstairs and yell at me for any stupid act I pull. Should I go to my room? No, that will only make her suspicious. It's almost 10. My drive should be here by now. My best friend promised to take me to the wedding. We wanted to go together so we wouldn't look pathetic coming to a wedding alone.
I'm sitting still watching the news. Oh no, the lady she hates is on TV! Oh no, the phone is ringing! She is very angry! I don't want to answer because it's him. "Aren't you going to answer that?" She yells at me. I'll just pretend it's my drive. She doesn't know about him. She doesn't know about any of the guys I know. If she knew, she'd kill me. I answered the phone. I guess I'm going to have to go out with him tonight.
It's 10 o'clock. My best friend is here. The door bell is ringing and my dad is yelling at me not to keep the girl waiting. I grab what I need and head to the door. I make sure I cover my face.
My best friend is very happy. Her crush's mother is going to be at the wedding. She's beautiful so I'm sure she's going to get him after tonight. I wish I had her life. It's perfect. Her parents never fight, she has excellent taste in men (she never got heart broken) and her family is very rich (They never complain about money). I hate going out shopping with her. I can never afford anything in the shops she goes to.
I think I should stop writing. We're almost at the wedding and my best friend is annoyed. I'm going to have to find a way to sneak out of the wedding without being caught. I have to call
him and see if everything is fine. I have to make sure I'm home before prayer time. I have to make sure I wake up a virgin tomorrow. I have to find myself a husband tonight. I have to stop writing. I have to stop writing.
I wish super heroes existed … I want someone to save me from all this mess.
Unfaithful
"I'm going out with the guys." He said as he was searching for his sandals. "They're in the other closet." He lifted his head and met her eyes. She was smiling at him. How did she know he wanted those sandals? He had at least 10 others but she knew exactly which one he wanted. "You always wear those when you go hang out with the guys." What was that in her voice? Her smile never left her face. He felt a needle pin his heart.
"I'll be late. Don't wait for me." She was sitting in the main hall reading a book. The book he had given her when they were engaged. How many times has she read it? "Are you reading that book again?" He asked. She looked up at him and smiled. He felt warmness inside. "Yes, I am." He walked over to her side and tilted his head to the side to read the first line.
Her hands fit perfectly in his … He looked away. She closed the book.
"How many times have you read that book?" She was drinking water. "You're going to be late." His phone rang. She pointed to his pocket. "See? They're waiting for you." He felt a knife cut through his heart. "How many times?" She put the glass down. "This is my 11th time." He grinned, "Do you skip the long, boring parts and go straight to all the action?" She smiled, dull eyes stared at him. "No. I go through lines quickly because I memorized most of them." His phone was still ringing. "Aren't you going to answer that?" He was sweating. "Isn't it hot in here?" She shook her head, "The A.C. is freezing."
"Have you memorized the book yet?" She was heading towards the stairs. She stopped and turned around to face him, a smile was plastered on her face. Her white teeth showed and her eyes twinkled. He felt the warmness inside again. "You know … " She said as she rubbed her chin with her hand. "I have this theory." She walked towards him swaying her hips and then standing exactly in front of him. She looked up. He couldn't breath. "Once I reach the 25th time I'll be able to skip pages and I'll skip chapters when I reach the 35th time." His mobile rang. Her smile faded. "They're impatient." He didn't answer.
She was halfway upstairs when he called for her. She turned around. "Don't you ever get sick of reading the same book over and over again?" She smiled at him. "I love it. If you love something, you can't leave it and move on to something else … something that makes you feel less than what
it made you feel. I have to be
faithful. I could read other books but I would only be lying to myself. I don't like other books. I like this one. It is mine. It makes me feel so-" She was interrupted by his mobile. She sighed and smiled slightly. "Just go. Don't keep them waiting."
He started his car. He looked at his mobile on the passenger seat. He picked it up. He dialed her number. "You're only going to be late. We don't want them to be disappointed, now do we?" He forgot how much he loved her voice. "I just wanted to say goodbye." She was silent on the other end. "You aren't going to war, are you?" He laughed. "No, I'm not." There was another moment of silence. "You are coming back, right?" He smiled, "Yes, I am." She was silent. "You do know you're still in the garage, don't you?" He looked out the window and saw her waving at him. He let out a nervous laughter and waved back. His face suddenly changed. There was someone on the other line. She stopped waving. "They're calling you." She said. "Go to them. I'll be here when you come back." She blew him a kiss and then hung up.
She was in the car with him. He turned to her and smiled. She smiled back but quickly the smile disappeared and was staring straight ahead. She was scratching her right arms. "Aren't we there yet?" He sighed and shook his head. "Almost there."
He parked in the darkness. He turned to her.
She had a smirk on her face. He knew that look. She pushed him back.
His fingers intertwined with hers. She shook her hand free. He tried again but she only freed her hand every time he tried. He pushed her away. "What is your problem?" She demanded. "Why don't you let me hold your hand?" She rolled her eyes and shook her head. "We aren't teenagers, honey." He looked away. "Don't you love me?" She sighed, "What is it with you? We're here to have fun." She tried to push him down again but he caught her wrist with his hand. Slowly he tried to fit his fingers between hers. She stared at him and didn't say a thing. "What are you doing?" He didn't say anything. He held up their hands. "Doesn't this mean anything to you?" She raised her eyebrow. "You aren't making any sense."
He lay in the backseat all alone. His phone was ringing. Which call was this? Must be the 25th … He stared at the car's roof. An angelic face suddenly appeared in front of his eyes.
He was driving. He turned his mobile off. He passed a pay phone. He stopped, got out of the car and ran to the phone. "Yes?" He loved her voice. "Can I ask you a question?" She was silent. "Yes, go ahead." He breathed in and then slowly let it out. "Honey … are you ok?" He could sense the concern in her voice. "Where are the guys?" He closed his eyes trying to erase the events. "That doesn't matter right now. Just … could you answer a question for me … please?" She didn't say anything. "The book you're reading … on the page where it says "Her hand fit perfectly in his." What does it say afterwards?" "It couldn't be more perfect than this. She knew that he will always-" The line went dead. His minute was over.
He rushed to the car. He sped through the streets. He could see his house. He parked in the garage and ran inside. She was no where in sight. He searched every room, every floor, every hall … it was like she disappeared. Finally, he gave up. He went out to the additional room he built outside. His sacred shrine where he spends most of his time. The lights were on. Confused, he continued towards the room. There, inside, was her. She was sitting on the floor, in his favorite spot, a glass of his favorite drink by her side and reading the book. She was giving him her back. That was the way he sat … exactly. He took off his sandals and went inside. He tip toed to make sure she wouldn't notice him coming in. He leaned down to see where she was.
Her hand fit perfectly in his. It couldn't be more perfect than this. She knew that he will always be there by her side. To hold her, to help her, to save her, to love her … Tears were forming in his eyes. A single drop fell on the page. She was alarmed. The book fell from her hands and she turned around and stared straight into his watery eyes. Without a word, she opened her arms and he curled up in her lap like a little baby. She took off his shma'3 and put it aside. He cried until there were no more tears to shed.
The water was boiling. She poured in a glass with a tea bag and gave it to him. He accepted the glass. She turned around to leave but he stopped her by a firm grip on her wrist. She turned to face him. "What is wrong with you today?" He got up from his chair and looked down at her. He lifted their hands and tried to fit his fingers between hers. She smiled. "See?" She said, "A perfect fit." He wrapped his arms around her waste. "You're scaring me now … " He leaned down and kissed her lightly. She giggled. "The guys aren't giving you enough loving?" He leaned down until their foreheads touched. "I don't give a damn about the guys. I will always be here … with you. I could get love else where but I would only be lying to myself. I love you and only you. I don't like them. I like you. I want you. You are mine." She smiled. "I know." He kissed her right behind her ear. "I'm sorry." He whispered. She cupped his face in her hands. "I forgive you."
He stayed faithful to her until they parted by death …
