Defining Paranoia

Diary Page 01

It's almost 9 o'clock. They're eating dinner downstairs. I'm not eating. They're having pizza. I worked so hard to fit into this dress I am not going to ruin it now.

I'm watching TV. There's a movie on. I don't want to watch it but there's nothing else on TV. I hate that movie. I don't know why though, I never really watched it. He used to always tell me I should watch it. Even during finals. He would text me every time they showed it. I didn't care really. I just liked getting text messages from him. It gives me hope that he might still think of me as his princess.

My brother just came upstairs and sat with me. We're still watching the movie. It's 9:30 now. My mobile is ringing but I'm ignoring it. Now my brother is asking me why I didn't eat dinner with them. What am I supposed to tell him? I guess I'll just tell him I wasn't hungry even though he wasn't going to buy that.

We're watching the news now. I can hear my parents fighting downstairs. My father is yelling at her. He's telling her to stop butting in his investments. The stock market was a disaster today. I think we lost more money. My mother is trying to reason with him but he keeps on saying bad words. I don't think my brother is old enough to hear those words.

I sent my brother to his room. He's playing Need for Speed, his favorite game. I let him turn the volume up so he wouldn't hear what my parents are saying. I wish I went into the room with him.

There's a woman on TV. She's screaming and hitting her head. There's a building that was completely destroyed on TV. I think the woman lived in that building. I think her son was asleep when the building collapsed.

Now there's a man on TV. He's holding a little girl in his arms. I think it's his daughter. She's covered in blood and dust. Her eyes are closed and she isn't moving. He's screaming for help but no one is doing anything. I wonder why the camera man didn't help him …

I want to cry but then I would ruin my makeup. I'm going to a wedding in half an hour. It's my friend's wedding. Her father died when she was a kid and her mother doesn't know what to do with her anymore so she accepted the first man that proposed to her. He's 30. She's only 18 …

Oh, the woman that has the same name as me is on TV now. My mother hates her. I don't know why though. She is really pretty. I think that's why she hates me. She's talking about those people they showed just a few minutes ago. They're showing what the war is doing to people.

My phone is ringing again. It's probably him. I'm not going to answer. He's going to ask me if I want to go out with him after the wedding. My answer is no of course. I don't want what happened last time to happen again. I was able to stop it last time. I don't think I'll be able to stop it again. Not tonight at least.

My mother is yelling now. I think I can make out what they're saying. I think I waste too much money because they want to find me a husband. My dad says I should marry his nephew. My mother wants me to marry hers. I hate both of them.

I look really pretty. He would fall for me with just one look. If only he could see me. I paid the lady at the salon extra money to make me look extra pretty. I was going to impress all the women in the wedding tonight. I'm going to make them not only consider me as a future daughter-in-law but actually go ahead and make me their sons' wife. Then my parents don't have to argue about who I'm going to marry anymore.

My phone is ringing again. God, doesn't he understand? I don't want to go out with him tonight! He used to always tell me he loved me. I think I kind of loved him, too. One day I told him about what my parents always argued about. He ignored me for a couple of weeks then suddenly, just a few days ago on our last date, he said he won't rest until he makes me his. At that time, I thought he meant he was going to propose to me. It wasn't until I felt his hand rubbing my thighs that I knew he meant scar me forever so that no one would want me. We had a talk before, that his hands should not roam anywhere below the waist line. He doesn't love me. That's why I need to break up with him. I don't want to make a mistake.

The lady who lost her son is now speaking on TV. She isn't yelling or crying. She is angry at the ones who killed her son but she is calm. She is saying, "They can kill our children, destroy our houses and scatter us around but they will never have our country!" I admire her. She is very strong.

They stopped fighting downstairs. Now my mother is going to come upstairs and yell at me for any stupid act I pull. Should I go to my room? No, that will only make her suspicious. It's almost 10. My drive should be here by now. My best friend promised to take me to the wedding. We wanted to go together so we wouldn't look pathetic coming to a wedding alone.

I'm sitting still watching the news. Oh no, the lady she hates is on TV! Oh no, the phone is ringing! She is very angry! I don't want to answer because it's him. "Aren't you going to answer that?" She yells at me. I'll just pretend it's my drive. She doesn't know about him. She doesn't know about any of the guys I know. If she knew, she'd kill me. I answered the phone. I guess I'm going to have to go out with him tonight.

It's 10 o'clock. My best friend is here. The door bell is ringing and my dad is yelling at me not to keep the girl waiting. I grab what I need and head to the door. I make sure I cover my face.

My best friend is very happy. Her crush's mother is going to be at the wedding. She's beautiful so I'm sure she's going to get him after tonight. I wish I had her life. It's perfect. Her parents never fight, she has excellent taste in men (she never got heart broken) and her family is very rich (They never complain about money). I hate going out shopping with her. I can never afford anything in the shops she goes to.

I think I should stop writing. We're almost at the wedding and my best friend is annoyed. I'm going to have to find a way to sneak out of the wedding without being caught. I have to call him and see if everything is fine. I have to make sure I'm home before prayer time. I have to make sure I wake up a virgin tomorrow. I have to find myself a husband tonight. I have to stop writing. I have to stop writing.

I wish super heroes existed … I want someone to save me from all this mess.

posted by 5ada @ 12:01 AM