Defining Paranoia

Diary Page 02

It was 3 in the morning when I saw him. Oh my God, he was so beautiful! Can you say that about a guy? Can you describe a guy using words like beautiful? I don't care because at the moment when I saw him, the one word that came to my mind was just that. Beautiful. Beautiful …

It's been a week now. I'm sitting in my room in front of the dresser. I'm doing my hair. It's so long. I let it grow like this. He told me once he likes long hair. I had short hair back then you know. He used to tell me, "I don't like girls with short hair. Not that girls with short hair aren't attractive. I know lots of hot short-haired girls. It's just that I prefer to run my fingers in my girl's hair." So I never cut my hair afterwards and let it grow. Damn. I think I need to get a trim. I haven't gotten a trim in months!

What time is it? Oh ... it's 8 p.m. I have a lot of time. My head hurts. My hair looks great though. My bangs cover my eyes. Not that there's anything to see anyways. I was told I have beautiful eyes. Even he said that. "You have extraordinary eyes!" But that was then. It's not then anymore.

My brother just came to tell me my mother says the guests will be arriving early. Shit. I was hoping for some time to lie down and rest. It's been so hectic. My academic future seems to be so dim. My mother is forcing me to study something I know I'll never pass through. I got accepted in the university but I don't want it! I fought with her all week but all she said was, "You're a girl. You are not going anywhere!" I hate her. I tried reasoning with her. She wouldn't listen. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her so much.

My makeup looks good. I bought a book a few days ago on how to apply makeup. I'm still practicing but I think it looks just right for the occasion. I want to look fresh. I don't want to look desperate. Unlike the day of the wedding. Back in the wedding the ladies told me I was beautiful. They all said I was beautiful. My best friend said I was glowing. I danced for the second time in front of a group of people. The first time was on graduation day. I also looked beautiful on that day. I was hoping he would see me. He was never there.

Now flashbacks of that night are running through my head. I was in his car. He was kissing me. He was touching me. He told me how beautiful I was. I didn't want look beautiful for him. I wanted to look beautiful for him. He was never there.

My brother came back again. He is such a sweetie. He brought me water. As my lips touch the glass my mind races back to a moment in the past when his lips touched mine. Oh … if only he knew! The day he kissed me, was the day I died and went to heaven! And the day he left me, was the day I fell back down to earth. Like when Adam and Eve fell to earth. Even after repenting, they were not brought back to heaven. They had to stay on earth and start a new life. I had to start a new life. A life that didn't have him. But unlike Adam, I was alone. Adam had Eve. I had no one.

I look in the mirror. Another girl is staring at me. Oh my God … is that me? Are those the same eyes he was staring at? I push my bangs away from my eyes and stare. He was staring at my eyes that night and I was staring into his. I only saw hate in those eyes. I saw lust. I saw want. I saw need. I remember crying as he tugged at my Abaya. And as he tugged at my dress. And as he left a trail of kisses from my neck all the way to my stomach.

The doorbell is ringing. I have so little time! I can't breathe! Like when he was holding me close to him. Like when he was forcing himself onto me. Like when I felt him stiffen on top of me. I wanted to scream. I wanted to run. I wanted to escape. I didn't want to be there.

I can hear laughter downstairs. My mother is greeting the guests with her sweet voice. The same voice that makes me want to throw up. Like when he pushed my head down in his car. Like when he forced me to do things I never thought I would do with him. Like when I drew my head back and he had a satisfied look on his face.

It's only 8:30. I think I only have 5 minutes. 5 minutes. That's what he said when I called him. "Are you ok? What happened?" I love his voice. It is so beautiful. He had thrown me out of the car in the middle of nowhere. I refused to let him take advantage of me. I fought and resisted until the last minute. He called me a slut. He called me a whore. I didn't care. I was glad he threw me out.

Ok, 4 minutes left. I can't believe I'm counting down. Just like after he called. After I wore my dress and Abaya. I remember I looked in the mirror and my makeup was a complete and total mess. There were roads on my cheeks left by my tears. There were little holes. There were black and pink and green all over my eyes. I couldn't let him see me like that!

3 minutes lefts … 3 minutes before he arrived I managed to look acceptable. It was 43 degrees Celsius and I was shivering. I was fully dressed and I was shivering. I wanted to cry but I didn't want to ruin my makeup. I reminded myself I was going to face a hall full of woman, a monster married to my father also known as my mother and the most beautiful man I ever met.

2 minutes left … My brother just came and told me, "Mama says you have to come downstairs in 2 minutes or else she'll take away your mobile." She always threatens to take away my mobile. She's done it before. She can do it again. 2 minutes back then and a car passed by. I thought it was him. It was an old man.

Just 1 more minute. I'm standing near the staircase. I want to go down but I can't. Just one minute! 1 minute and I could see his headlights. 1 minute and I could make out his features. 1 minute and he would be standing right in front of me.

My brother is right in front of me and is motioning for me to go down. "Come on! They're waiting!" It's time. Like when he arrived.

He stopped right in front of me. He got out of the car and I stood up. He stared at me and I stared back. He stared at me and I remembered how he used to look at me. He made me feel whole. He made me feel beautiful. He made me feel happy to be me. He made me feel alive.

He smiled and I smiled back. He smiled and I remembered the first time he smiled when he saw me. His smile touched my heart. His smile touched my soul. His smile lit me from the inside. He made me glow. He made me who I was and who I am.

My brother takes my hand and leads me down the stairs. Like when he took my hand and led me to the car. "Come on, let's get you back to your wedding." How did he know? "Your dress. Your makeup. Your hair. Look at you! You're so beautiful!" And my heart melted. And I melted. And everything I ever was and will be melted. His touch, his words … I want it all again.

My bangs are falling on my eyes again. They're covering up most of my face. Like when I covered my face when I was with him in the car. He talked about everything. He talked about school, his friends, his family and anything he can think of. He even talked to me about a cat he ran over a few days before. Then he stopped talking and I stopped breathing. He was grinning. I could tell. I could tell even though my face was covered. I could tell even though I was not looking at him. I could tell because of the way he was breathing. He was going to talk again. He was going to say something about me. He had a way of saying things. He could tell you that you were a hypocrite and still make it sound like a compliment. "You're a hypocrite." He said. "5 minutes ago you were fucking a guy you know nothing about and now you're covered from head to toe and looking like a goody-goody virgin girl." I was not crying. I was smiling. My face cover fell and he saw my smile. A traffic light stopped us so he was looking at me. He tried to smile but his eyes tell me he was confused. "I'm still a virgin." I never felt any lamer than that night.

"They're over there!" My brother tells me and he points to the guest room. He motions for me to kneel so he could tell me something. "You look so pretty!" I smile and give him a little kiss. He rubs his cheek then runs away. I was alone. Like when he left me in front of the wedding hall. Like when I told my best friend I had to leave. Like when I arrived home 4:30 in the morning and all I did was cry. Like when I woke up in the afternoon and my mother had that sickly sweet smile she always wore.

The door to the guest room is opening. I can see my mother peering out preparing to call for my brother. She spots me and instead of smiling, she closes the door behind her and walks towards me. I was thinking she was going to congratulate me. Instead, she pulls me from the ear to the door all the way cursing at me and demanding I don't make a fool of myself.

She's opening the door and they all stop talking. I'm walking in and they're all staring at me. I hate being stared at. I always told him that he shouldn't stare at me when we were in public. I was afraid they would know I was his. He never stared at me in public. Everyone knew I was his. He could never be mine.

"My how you've grown!" The oldest woman says. "Yes mother, she even looks beautiful without all that makeup!" The woman sitting next to her says. "Tell her brother, tell her how beautiful she looks!" I look down at my feet and act as if I were shy. I head to sit in front of him.

How I wished it was him.

How I wished he was in front of me.

He takes my hands in his and kisses my forehead. "You're beautiful."

I never believed him …

posted by 5ada @ 10:10 PM