Defining Paranoia

Infatuation

I sat next to him. Was it meant to be or was it a coincidence that our last names started with the same letter? That both my name and his had the same meaning? That both our mothers gave birth to us on the same day? Was I insane for bringing these thoughts to my mind?

I sat next to him and he smiled at me. Was it a sin that I loved the way his lips curled up to form that smile? Was it a sin that I adored how his eyes twinkled and shone with sincerity and pureness?

I sat next to him and my heart began to pound, my head began to throb, and every blood vessel in my body was screaming baffling things my mind couldn’t grasp. Was it wrong to even think of him the way I did at this moment, the moments before, and the moments that will soon become?

I sat next to him and memories cluttered my head. I remembered who he was. I remembered the way he would look into my eyes and reassure me that everything will turn out to be just fine. I remembered how he would greet me every time I see him with a hug and the same phrase conflated with a wink, “Lookin’ good hot stuff!” I knew it was a joke, but God did I wish he meant it.

I sat next to him and I forgot where we were. We could have been in the presence of the most successful of the richest and I would have thought of the place as anonymous. All I saw was his face. All I heard was his voice. All I acknowledged was his presence, and I was sitting right next to him.

I sat next to him and he made me laugh. His jokes would tickle the butterflies in my stomach and what lay beneath. His remarks comforted my sinful heart and calmed my throbbing nerves. The looks he gave me and the smirk he sent my way reminded me of how much of a sadist this life we live in was. Still, I did not care. I sat next to him, and that was all that mattered.

I sat next to him and I was overwhelmed with the inexplicable feeling that I have longed for so long to decipher. It was overpowering and frustrating, so abstract and nerve-wrecking that I could not focus my eyes, my mind, or myself at anything. It caused my stomach to turn, my head to lighten, and my lungs to stop functioning. I was sitting next to him. I really was.

I sat next to him and I started to wish for what I shouldn’t even be thinking about. I wished, and I wished, and I continued to wish. I wished so hard that I could have sworn he knew what I was wishing for. I wished and I asked God to forgive me for what I had wished for. At the same time, I prayed that my wish would be granted for me.

I sat next to him and I knew that I had to leave. I knew that it would not serve me well to be seated next to him. I knew what it would do to me, what it did and what it will continue to do. I knew because of the warmth I felt when he shook my hands or pulled me close for a hug. I knew because of the way he grinned at me and patted my back. I knew because I simply knew.

I sat next to him, but I decided to leave. I could not stand being in denial for any longer. As I left he looked into my eyes and I diverted my gaze. I wished again, but I knew God would never grant me this wish. I wished again, and I prayed I never had to wish for it again. I wished again, and one more time and he would understand. I wished one last time and I left.

My mind, my heart, and my soul were still sitting next to him. God, how I wished for my wish to have come true so I wouldn’t had to leave. Then I would still be sitting next to him, devouring every moment spent by his side. But alas, it would be nothing but a sin. For what I had experienced with him, I did not experience with anyone before. And now he knew …

As I neared the end I questioned my existence. I questioned my life. I questioned myself. For the first time in my short span in this world, I realized what I should have realized long before this last day.
I was never supposed to be born a man.

posted by 5ada @ 12:02 AM