Defining Paranoia

Diary 03 - Conclusion

Nearly 6 years after I wrote the first "page" of her diary, I finally concluded it.
Below are links for the first 2 parts.  
Diary 1
Diary 2

~*~

“Did you enjoy the wedding?”
His voice. Smooth, deep, beautiful.

“It was nice. She looked gorgeous. You are very lucky.”

There was a pause. I felt a knot in my stomach. I felt my chest tightening. I gripped my free hand in a fist and grit my teeth. I felt lightheaded. My eyes hurt. My stomach was burning. Where was the bathroom?

“You looked beautiful, too.”

Those words. He said them. He finally said them. After the diets, the gym membership, the hundreds spent on salons and makeup. I heard the words. I looked beautiful. With no warning, my stomach turned on me and I could not hold it in anymore.

“Are you all right?”

The back of my throat was burning. I wiped my mouth with the back of my free hand. My tears escaped. I felt them on my cheeks, my neck, my chest.

“Don’t be nervous. It isn’t as bad as you think.”

I lay back. My dress was on the floor. A beautiful dress. He was generous. Why was I doing this? This pain in my chest is becoming more intense by the minute. It feels so good. How is that possible? Why do I enjoy this pain?

“He is a good guy. I promise you he is. He will make you happy. You deserve to be happy.”

Then I couldn’t hold it anymore. The tears, the sobbing, and my trembling voice.

“If I deserve to be happy why didn’t you marry me? Why did you leave me? Why did you ask him to marry me? Why didn’t you just love me? Why didn’t you save me when I needed to be saved? I did everything you told me. I lost the weight, changed my hair, changed my style, changed myself. I became who you wanted me to be but you never said I was beautiful. Just like my mother. She only said I was beautiful when I was married. HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME?”

I couldn’t stop my tears or my sobs. He was quiet. Then the line went dead.

He opened the door. He saw me crying and rushed to my side. He didn’t say a word. He held me in his arms. He was so generous. He was so kind. He was the perfect husband. But I didn’t love him. My heart doesn’t skip a beat when I see his face. Butterflies don’t flutter in my stomach when he kisses me. Goosebumps don’t form when he holds my hands. He just wasn’t him. He was married and so was I.

The next morning there was a text on my phone.

It would be unfair of me to lead you on. I did love you but you would have never loved the real me. You brought out the best of me, a side I did not know even existed. But that side would fade and go away one day. You would have hated me. You would have wanted out. I do not come with an emergency exit. Every door has more danger. I made you change yourself for me but you are just amazing the way you are. How could you be with someone who would want what he believes you should be and not you?

I turned to see my husband. He still had his arms around me. He loved me. He wanted me. He didn’t want to change me.

I deleted the text. I lay my head back facing him. I felt a tear trickle down on to the pillow. As if on cue, he opened his eyes. I smiled and he smiled back. A sincere smile. A smile for me. A smile full of love.

In the next room he was with a woman who would spend the rest of her life in a loop. In this room I was in a room with a man that would spend the rest of his life fixing whatever my past broke in me. I’m not sure who has it worse.

posted by 5ada @ 7:47 AM